Many updates on little Z are forthcoming, but right now, he’s sleeping and I’m up late watching Grey’s Anatomy on DVR. Dave has given me a nice break this weekend (like every weekend) – taking over the diaper changes and playing and putting down for naps so I have some time to myself. So today I ate a leisurely breakfast, and read some and worked some and vacuumed some. And at 4 pm, I went to San Francisco to see a play and have dinner with some girlfriends. Pure luxury.
Back in July and August, I pumped everyday to make sure I had a good supply of milk so I could go out for nights like this and have the freedom and flexibility to leave Z with Dave or someone else. I built up a large stock – close to 30 4-ounce bags. Only I so rarely go out, and I didn’t want that milk to go to waste, so I stopped pumping. I stopped seeing daily proof that my body is producing this sustenance for my boy.
Five months later, that frozen supply is finally dwindling. So tonight, when I got home from my date, I decided to pump for the first time in a long time. I rarely get engorged anymore, even if I miss a feeding. So I didn’t need to pump. I mostly just wanted to see how much I would get. Production is usually lowest at night, and since I don’t know how much he gets during the day, and I’m still constantly nagged with the lingering insecurity “is he getting enough?” I was curious.
I pumped 8 ounces of rich, white milk. Amazing! Z and I have had so many struggles these first 8 months. So few things have fallen neatly into place for us, but this thing, this one amazing thing, has been good. Really good. And while I can’t say I enjoy pumping (I much prefer the closeness and intimacy of breastfeeding) it felt so good to have this visual reminder of what my body can do for my son. I know so many moms who struggle with breastfeeding, so many moms who make themselves crazy trying to keep up their supply. And I am so thankful that this one thing has gone well for us – that we have found this balance of supply and demand. I know that one day I’ll reach a point when I want to wean, when I’ll want my body for myself alone. But for now, I’m so proud of what I can do for Zeke, and I have no desire to stop.