I went to Trader Joe’s without Z this afternoon. It felt strange. Strangely relaxing first of all, especially since I normally hate grocery shopping. But I got myself a chai latte, got a cart even though I probably could have fit everything in a basket, and took my time strolling down each aisle, no list, no hurry, no little hands grabbing for everything on the shelves, and no one paying me any mind. I felt invisible – like without Zeke I’m not really there.
There was a woman in line in front of me who had an adorable little dog in her cart. And she was talking to everyone, smiling and answering questions and petting his little head. And I suddenly wanted to shout to everyone that I have a little boy who is unbelievably cute and if he were with me he would be smiling and waving at you all right now! But instead I just blended in with all the pet-less, baby-less people in line and quietly paid for my groceries (no balloon for me) and walked out. And it struck me that in less than a year I’ve gone from being Mia, to being Zeke’s mom, even when he’s not with me.
PS: This is what happens when we’re careless with the boy at Trader Joe’s.
great post. i know exactly how you feel!
Me too. I remember being surprised at how rude drivers were being to me as I crossed streets (alone), because I had gotten used to the politeness and restraint they showed when I was carrying a newborn baby! (Same applies to the bus.) I also find myself listening to her CDs in the car and then suddenly realizing, ohhhh… I can listen to NPR, as there is no baby in the car demanding her tunes. (And finding myself pointing out fire stations and airplanes to… no one. That’s right, I’m alone! Seeing a plane is NO BIG DEAL!!)