Yes – of course this whole thing is tiring. And I know I’m supposed to sleep when Z is sleeping. Lindy suggested I try to nap at least once a day apart from Zeke – so I can get some amount of deep sleep – pretty impossible when he’s right beside me. So yesterday I tried. Dave had Z on the couch and I went to the bedroom, about 30 feet away – to nap.
Within five minutes, I felt a physical pain of separation so strong that I started crying hysterically and had to come back and hold him for the next half hour. My logical mind was telling me how ridiculous I was being and that this was my body telling me I was going through some combination of sleep deprivation and hormone withdrawal, but all the same, I couldn’t bear to be apart from him.
It reminded me of The Golden Compass (the book, not the movie) and Pullman’s description of
what it feels like when someone is separated from their daemon. That’s what it was like. Little Zeke, my daemon, my soul. And it occurred to me that I felt this way about a person I have only known for 5 DAYS!!
Yeah. It’s kind of an indescribable thing (but your “daemon” example comes the closest I’ve heard). It reminds me of the first time someone took Daisy in the other room for me to get some sleep– I got to sleep but I woke up suddenly, screaming, “Where’s Daisy? Where’s Daisy?” hysterically and in a total panic. It’s weird how completely it seeps in, this attachment, so that it’s even in your unconscious mind. You were sleeping without a baby for so many years, and now it’s like your body instantly knows something is wrong if they’re not right there.
And then there are the dreams! I had this recurring one where she was falling through the water in a pool and I was swimming down to get her and always JUST missing her. It’s such a crazy, vulnerable, wide-open feeling, that suddenly this new person holds total dominion over your wellbeing in life. But what a joy to feel it.
The Golden Compass — good analogy! Makes it vivid and comprehensible for those of us who haven’t gone through it (yet 🙂 ).
You have made me cry for joy…..you are realizing how motherhood creates a bond that can only be understood when you personally go through it.
It is truly a miracle and I am so, so happy for all of you.
I can hardly wait to get my hands on him….
Thank you so much for starting this blog. It’s so much better than a baby book. It bridges the gap created by the thousands of miles and makes me feel closer to all of you. I can’t wait to hug you and Dave and Zeke.
I want to have a baby now! Really loved hearing the analogy of the “daemon”. Your stories are really touching. Can’t wait to meet Zeke.
Happy one week birthday, Zeke!! (It’s such a great milestone!)
not only are you going to make me cry, but i think the power of motherhood must be pretty strong indeed to allow you to start your own blog. 😉 much love to you and dave and little z….
yeah, i know EXACTLY what you mean. even now, when nela is sleeping in her room next door to ours, i can actually feel the physical separation between the wall.
becoming a parent in general is an amazing process. one friend told me that when she became a mother, she felt like she just slipped into some parallel universe. after nela was born, i felt exactly the same way. so dave and mia, welcome to the parallel universe!